Asking a revived corpse five questions

Some of these fantasy movies just have to be given a chance sometimes, it may pay off. Like Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, by John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein, absolutely zero expectations, but the adventure of a thief and a band of other daredevils is a goddamned wicked and fun ride!

Judged by the strength of enemies

A James Bond movie directed by Marc Forster in 2008, starring Daniel Craig as the agent 007, Gemma Arterton as the Bond girl Strawberry Fields, Judi Dench as Bond's superior 'M" (the head of M16) and Mathieu Amalric as the main antagonist Dominic Greene. Theme song Another Way to Die performed by Jack White and Alicia Keys. Yet another confusing spy humbug (sequel to Casino Royale) where James Bond ends up making things straight in Bolivia.

Just a desire to live one more day

Helena was born in the woods, raised by her kidnapped mother and the mother’s kidnapper. After exposing to the outside world, adaptation to the modern world takes its toll and the past comes to haunt her. Shame how after a decent start Marsh Kings Daughter turned into a generic thriller.

A place of conspicuous display

Former hardcore neo-Nazi and a murderer is in a witness protection working as a gardener for a renowned orchard. He’s found joy from flowers but fucks up his gig over a girl. It’s all fine and interesting for so long. When it tries to be a thriller, Master Gardener reconstructs itself useless.

When I was born they screamed

Peter's parents aren't what they seem, they've a sinister secret no-one knows about. Cobweb is not a desperately bad a horror flick, but senselessly confusing shit on the same token. Good scares and spooky vibes, creepy little fucker, but eventually ruined by a bad, awkwardly rushed, ending.

Don't let your tragedy define you

Barry Allen aka The Flash is such a fast Superhero that he can run back in time! But, according to the laws of the good old butterfly effect, changing even a minuscule detail in the past can have disastrous consequences in the future. It can break the universe as we know it. The Flash, the movie directed by Andy Muschietti, sometimes hits the mark, oftentimes not

Surgery is the new sex

We've passed the point where David Cronenberg's body horror no longer is found disgusting. Or entertaining for that matter. Crimes of the Future is about humankind trying to adapt to its synthetic surroundings and thence is in a constant state of metamorphosis. The shit is not morbid and discomforting, it's just dull and pointless.

That was death and it is coming

It seems to be a great horror story. Hopefully they find a way to end it properly. Reminiscences of Lost (2004-2010). It takes its time to get where it's going and you are still puzzled as every answer you get leads to more questions. There's a town somewhere that traps those who enter and they are plagued by vile nocturnal creatures. Everything is wrapped in puzzles and secrets. Season # 1 is a proper nightmarish mystery.

Once it's dark, it can't get any darker

Onibaba is a 1964 Japanese horror film by Kaneto Shindô. However, by today’s standards never in a million years it would be tagged as a horror flick. Not that it wasn’t creepy and atmospheric enough. Set in somewhere in Kyoto region, in the mid-fourteenth century. Midst a civil war, a woman and her daughter-in-law ambush soldiers in a field of tall reeds, kill them, loot them, drop their bodies in a pit hidden in the field and trade their armor and weapons the next day. After a while, jealousy and sexual tension cut between the ladies’ perfectly sinister business venture. Call it horror or not, Onibaba is a striking feature of cinematic poetry.

Hit and run one more time

Written and directed by Dolph Lundgren. It's kind of cringeworthy all the time and the dialogue is, if not the worst, the most clichéd witnessed the whole year. But still, Wanted Man is quite fun to watch, something's done right.

It's always darkest before the dawn

A boy develops a taste for human blood, but luckily her mom is a nurse who can snatch a few bags of plasma from work. But not for too long. They need an alternate source. And motherly love calls for desperate measures. Pointless and boring horror drivel.

Evil goes away

Almost uncomfortable to watch. A kindergarten teacher is wrongly accused of exposing himself. And in this day and age, an innocent little lie can trigger a witch hunt and ruin someone’s life completely. A brilliant movie (courtesy of Thomas Vinterberg) propelled by dazzling performances of Mads Mikkelsen and Thomas Bo Larsen.

There is no way to say goodbye

I guess even the film makers got so bored with this movie that they happily walked out of the project after 70 minutes. It was going nowhere and it wasn't getting any better, so why not just end it. A lukewarm buddy comedy at best.

They listen to toilet bowls these days

Four Finnish men, and a pig, celebrate Christmas in the middle of a summer. It includes male nudity, stiff drinks and an innovative makeshift sauna. Nothing can go wrong. Directed by Jari Halonen, starring Jorma Tommila, Oiva Lohtander, Rauno Juvonen, Antti Reini and Pötsi (the pig).

When everyone runs from the fire, you run to it

It's Speed (1994) and Phone Booth (2002) all over again, only worse. Matt Turner and his kids are inside a car that's booby-trapped with explosives! If they try to escape from the vehicle they are blown to kingdom come! It's kind of exciting silly little thriller, but plotholed to death.

Happiness in abandoned times

A street-wise kid Hamster wants to be the next Hunter S. Thompson and write stories that are flashworthy and cool. He interviews and befriends a village idiot Max Fist who claims to be a superhero from an another dimension called Chronium and who is without his cosmic powers because the sources are left behind his own universe and cosmic tendrils of time. Archenemy is an indie bit that started out great, but struggled with its slow pacing.

Cosmic luck for losers

He's good at executing action, the Finnish director Renny Harlin. But recent years everything that's thrown his way, he can't handle. The Bricklayer's action bits, fights mostly, little shooting, it seems effortless and kind of cool. The story is disheveled shit, not only lacks motive and logic, its dialogue is a shit-show. A fucking mess.

Infected with humanity

Season # 1 of Chris Sheridan's Resident Alien. Just about the funniest shit in the neighborhood right now. Alan Tyduk (best known from Tucker and Dale vs Evil) is downright amazing as an alien taking a human form in small-town of Patience, Colorado, as his spacecraft crash-lands on his mission to wipe out human civilization. He takes on the identity of Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle, whom he killed upon encountering, and works as a town doctor thence putting him in constant contact with the folks in town. Resident Alien is groovy wholehearted entertainment and guaranteed to make you laugh.

The last retch for the hordes without mercy

Set in the late 1970s Barcelona Modelo Prison where inmates were constantly being brutally beaten and battered. They finally mustered up courage to revolt and claim for amnesty, but back then, under the iron claws of the Francoist Regime, the Spanish penitentiary system was an excruciating and grim affair. Modelo 77’s (Prison 77) plot is inspired by the real attempted prison break attempted by 45 inmates, and it’s a rather gripping prison drama.

Morning light goes nowhere

It's either the lack of chemistry between the lead actors Madeline Zima and Joel David Moore, or the scripted bullshit that's force-fed into their mouths, that ruin this perfectly average rom-com. Their characters are stuck in a traffic jam after a one night stand. And it's annoying to watch.

Ghosts of the blazing Sun

There's animosity between the original villagers and a French family in a remote rural part of Galicia, Spain. Resentment, xenophobia and tensions simmer until ending in a shocking outcome. As Bestas, by Rodrigo Sorogoyen, is definitely a slow burner film, but you are succumbed into its absorbing atmosphere. Incredible piece of work.

It's just programming

Robots took over the world. Humans are taking it back. However, AI’s last stand is in New Asia and they’re about to launch a new war. The people of the west need to eradicate AI and find its source, codename Nirmata, before the end of human civilization. The Creator is popcorn entertainment, it’s visually impressive and looks damn amazing, but the movie could have been so much more if the story was more engaging and thought-out.

Subpoenaed six feet under ground

Mildred Gillars was known as Axis Sally. She was an American broadcaster employed by Nazi Germany to spread propaganda during World War II. Thus she was part of the war machine of the Third Reich. American Traitor follows her capture in post-war Berlin and her trial on charges of aiding the German war effort in the United States. Nothing special as a movie, but there's the historic interest and, as often, Al Pacino in a standout performance.

The lord of death

Raeford Morton Renfield is Count Dracula's servant. After their adventures in the old Europe, they're now residing in New Orleans hoping for improvement to their lives. With a little difference. Renfield hopes his normal life back and a feeling of belonging to the world. Count Dracula wants world domination. Renfield, by Chris Mckay, is utterly funny take on the characters Bram Stoker created. Nicolas Cage shines as the prince of Wallachia and the movie is just brilliant bloody good time. 

Face in the war machine

In Jordan, there's a secret facility for terrorists. Bad people are locked up and interrogated there. When the place in infiltrated, it becomes even worse. Luckily the system is built up so amazingly that it explodes two hours after its security is breached. Abigail "Abby" Trent (Michelle Monaghan) is the master hunter and Hatchet (Jason Clarke) is the hunted and they have a gunfight in the bunkers. Black Site is some next level espionage shit, but clichéd, loopholed and generic to no end.

Sailors of the last hour

The Rebels of PT-218 is a movie where nothing works. Not a single thing. The actors, they’re all shite. Cinematography is a humbug mess. It's on the low end of B grade movies. Absolute good-for-nothing.

Steadfast as the stars

A 1939 film directed by William A. Wellman. Starring Gary Cooper, Ray Milland, Robert Preston, Brian Donlevy and Susan Hayward. Three brothers, who fifteen years earlier were suspected of a jewel thief, join French Foreign Legionnaires and they are up against the disciplinary rules, attacks by Tuaregs and the desert heat. Even by today’s standards, Beau Geste is a solid adventure piece.

A prophecy of heart-shaped world

It's dark and violent, but still smiling on the inside. A little thing, like a wee girl wanting a blue bicycle instead of a red, escalates into a violent confrontation of a criminal motorcycle gang and an army officer with bunch of offbeat scientists for a company. Riders of Justice (Retfærdighedens ryttere), by Anders Thomas Jensen, is an action-packed Danish revenge movie and underneath its straight-forward rumble is a more emotional and humorous tone.

The way of the flesh

They're shipping violent criminals from The Philippines to South Korea and the prisoners are trying to get control of the ship. They soon however have a common enemy, someone or something called Alpha, in the ship. And it turns bloody and ugly. Too bad it's the only thing Kim Hong Sun's Project Wolf Hunting has to offer. 

Bad girls burn in hell

Burglars looking for gold coins find imprisoned people on the basement of the derelict building and become trapped themselves! Wes Craven's low budget ($6.0 million) 1991 film is a cool horror thriller, Everett McGill and Wendy Robie are brilliant house owner crazies and the story, truly bizarre and offbeat, is unique.

Life is like a parody of your favorite song

A parody biopic of "Weird Al" Yankovich, a comedy musician best known for his polka medleys and parody songs. Comedy music is hard to see as a music genre and it's only fun while it lasts. This movie though, it's written well and the tone and approach of its comedy is refreshing and quite clever. Daniel Radcliffe as Weird Al is absolutely great and familiar faces such as Conan O'Brien (as Andy Warhol), Jack Black (as Wolfman Jack), Josh Groban, Patton Oswalt and Will Forte, even if briefly, kept popping us as guests. Brilliantly fictionalized biopic of a parody artist.

Thunderbird in the sky

Set in the Comanche Nation 300 years ago, a young warrior girl fights against a predator that landed on Earth. The highly evolved alien with a technically advanced arsenal seem like an infeasible adversary for the Native Americans equipped with bows and arrows. But the girl, Naru, is a resilient little combatant. The Predator franchise yet with another follow-up and where it’s not wholly bad, it’s rather predictable and not very exciting.

Endless forms most torturous

To cure his cancer, a sick and desperate John Kramer travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical treatment and procedure. However, the entire operation is a scam. So John turns the tables on the con artists and it’s a payback time! And he has new tricks up in his torture sleeve! Saw X, by Kevin Greutert, is one of the best movies in the Saw franchise, probably the best since the original (2004).

A vague terror crept from the darkness

Miller (Nicolas Cage) wants to hunt down all the buffaloes and sell their hives. He's obsessed with his profession really. Lost his mind with the shit. He's led his posse far from any civilization to senselessly slaughter as many animals as possible, but surviving in the wilderness is a bitch. One of those movies that you are waiting something to happen, but nothing really does. Based on the acclaimed novel by John Williams.

Every murderer is someone's old friend

Long ago lost his faith, the retired rational thinking detective Poirot is invited into a séance. It takes place in Venice where, as the saying goes, every house is haunted. Or cursed. Soon the detective is wrapped in a case of a dead young girl, believed drowned. And fresh corpses make another mystery. Yet again another of one Sir Kenneth Branagh's Agatha Christie adaptations and even if it's nothing overly spectacular, it's a fun ride.

Digging a hole with your name

A man with no brains (they call him Airhead) and a profligate undertaker with a gambling problem venture into a business of carrying corpses of the game of Russian Roulette, a real life (or death) game streamed online. The story alone of the heartless and the brainless is worth a thousand applause. Great black comedy to boot. Finnish movie written and directed by Teemu Nikki, starring Pekka Strang, Jari Virman, Elina Knihtilä and Hannamaija Nikander.

Death to the holy

Quite lost in the The Nun and The Conjuring franchise. They are pretty cool scary pictures on their own right, but I don’t have the patience or the interest to follow the big picture. The Nun II, by Michael Chaves, is a follow-up to the gothic horror we’ve enjoyed in the past. Set in 1956 France, people are shit-cared by demon nun Valak.

What comes singing, leaves whistling

A documentary film that focuses on ancient Finnish folklore and mythology. Ukonvaaja translates to The Hammer of Ukko. Musician, poet and household shaman A.W. Yrjänä guides us through the whole thing. Awkwardly narrow outlook on the subject, but quite entertaining still.

Just one little attitude problem

Sure as shit it’s crapped full of 80s naivety and it’s cringe-worthy now, but so are the most of the action movies of the yesteryear. Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan or Chuck Norris never pulled off such coolness as Sylvester Stallone in Cobra (1986) or in his other bits. Much like his pal Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s not Mel Gibson or Bruce Willis or, god forbid, Clint Eastwood, but it’s worth your while. A strange murderous cult runs rampant in the city of Los Angeles and hard-as-nails Lieutenant Cobra stands in their way.

Dead man makes you realize time is short

For everyone who wants to get bored to shit. Given that it has an almost endless number of A-List Hollywood actors (Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, Chris Rock, Michael Shannon, John David Washington, Mike Myers, Robert De Niro, Timothy Olyphant, Rami Malek, Zoe Saldana, Anya Taylor-Joy) with a merited director David O. Russell (American Hustle, Joy, The Fighter, Three Kings), Amsterdam is tedious beyond belief. It looks like a proper fucking film, but the endless and meaningless dialogues and introducing new people around every corner, it backfires big time. Nicked the worst bits of the Wes Anderson films, at best.

Handing out better days

Häiriötekijä, by Aleksi Salmenperä and the geniuses at professional theater group Q-teatteri, is just about the most wicked Finnish comedy film. A flabbergasting episodic piece that is disturbing and audacious. And diabolically funny.

Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning

Prob'ly my favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie ages ago. There's frightening birds killing humans and eating their fucking eyes out. However unlike majority of his movies, I'm afraid The Birds hasn't stood the test of time that well. Had it been done now, it would quite likely be ridiculed. It's not that very good. At least, not this time it was. Fond childhood memory sadly buried by history.

Coughing up smoke and ashes

A shitbag and a nutcase of a person stalks people horrifyingly and ends up murdering one also. Pretty good detective reasoning by the police in Lover, Stalker, Killer, but the filmmakers of the documentary couldn't really hide the secret, it was pretty clear who the stalker killer of the case was already from the beginning. Engaging and a pretty wicked true crime story still.

The sunset of life

A bearded Finnish hermit Hannu Rantala documents the endangered lynx. Lynx Man by Juha Suonpää is a heart-warming and both funny and mournful nature documentary. Besides the eccentric main character Hannu and his pals lynx, they capture the beauty of Finnish nature in all four seasons and it's diverse fauna.

Far from the Sun

Had it not been so predictable cliché-ridden cut, Richard Holm's Avgrunden would have been a fantastic Swedish catastrophe movie. It's still exciting and fairly interesting, but the outcome is desperately thin. A nice try though.

Sober as a desert rat

A wonderfully trademark Aki Kaurismäki film. Nothing happens and still just about everything happens at the same time. Unexplained laconic beauty. Comedy without jokes.

Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing

One of the greatest combat movies no doubt. Peter Berg's Lone Survivor (2007) is a biographical war film set during the war in Afghanistan and where Navy SEALs are tracking down a Taliban leader (Operation Red Wings). The sheer brutality and horror of warfare is depicted so well that it's almost painful to watch. And when the end credits roll, it's harrowing to realize it's a true story you just witnessed.

Selling tickets to the gates of hell

Confusing and corny crime noir of everyone searching for a movie director who first was presumed dead then missing. Neil Jordan's Marlowe is pointless drivel.

The ones who make a brighter day

A captivating and comprehensive journey through musical history even though it revolves around one song only. In the footsteps of Live Aid, American musicians gathered in Los Angeles to record a charity single "We Are the World" for African famine relief. Lionel Ritchie, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder and Quincy Jones orchestrate a group of popular singers such as Bruce Springsteen, Cyndi Lauper, Harry Belafonte, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Willie Nelson, Ray Charles, Kenny Rogers, Diana Ross and Dionne Warwick.

First class is full

Ridiculous but entertaining. The simplicity in Jalmari Helander's Big Game (2014) old-school action is captivating. The story is focused on the President of the United States (Samuel L. Jackson) who is the target of an attack. He's left to survive in weirdly unnatural mountains of Finland aided by Oskari (Onni Tommila), a Finnish lad, another key figure, trying to prove himself as a hunter. Innocent and truly delightful fun.