Home crap home

Sometimes I wish these kind of movies came with a laughter track, so you could at least pretend to laugh at the right places. A Finnish remake of the 1986 American film The Money Pit, starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long, that already was a remake.

The bruises left behind

Tinder matches are on a date. While returning home they're pulled over by a police officer who gets killed and the couple have a nationwide manhunt on their back. However it's not really a high-speed chase across the nation, they more or less leisurely drive around Kentucky and New Orleans, take occasional breaks and casually chat what to do next. And the people, obviously, support them because killing cops is so nice and wonderful.

The jackrabbit always wins

It's like a fox hunt, but humans have replaced the foxes. Group of people are kidnapped, left in the forest and rich liberal elite start hunting them for sport. A dark comedy that starts out great, but unfortunately uses too much of its ammo midway, still a rather great and fresh approach to survival horror.

Should the mountain crumble to the sea

From hero to zero. Security guard Richard Jewell saves dozens of lives from an exploding bomb at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, but the incompetent fucks at the FBI incomprehensibly treat and profile him as the primary subject. Clint Eastwood's take on the case is excellent, without too much fuzz and nothing over the top, he keeps the story going forward, with unwavering intensity and top notch acting by Paul Walter Hauser, Sam Rockwell and Kathy Bates.

Shores in flames

Well, there are not that many films or TV shows that make me laugh out loud, but Norsemen does that, numerous times. Season # 3, unfairly only six 30 minute episodes, but what a fucken hoot.

Full of misery from top to bottom

A young woman wants to get her revenge for sickening stuff a few British officers did to her family. Travelling with a local guide, she goes through ruthless Tasmanian wilderness and hopes to find the murderous bastards. A low-budget indie that nourishes itself on disgusting shit as the hunt itself, criss-crossing across the island, has a bit of an aimless feel to it, but above average revenge flick nevertheless.

First dig two graves

A James Bond movie directed by John Glen in 1981, starring Roger Moore as the agent 007, Carole Bouquet as the Bond girl Melina Havelock, Desmond Llewelyn as 'Q' (the head of Q division), Lois Maxwell as Miss Moneypenny (MI6 secretary) and Julian Glover as Kristatos, the main antagonist. Title song performed by Sheena Easton. There's a missing British vessel with secret nuclear intelligence called A.T.A.C. (Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator) underneath the water and James Bond has to get there first. And it involves lots of driving, diving, skiing and rock climbing.

Happiness loves company

The Jesus Rolls tries its dearest, but Big Lebowski's legacy is far too great to be tarnished. It's a shame though, I'm sure John Turturro's intentions were sincere and good, but this is all bollocks and embarrassing. Jesus Quintana repeats the phrases he already uttered in Big Lebowski as he and his buddy Petey (Bobby Cannavale), both on parole, are involved in petty crimes. A sad attempt coat tailing a cult movie.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise

A day in the lives of three police officers in a working-class suburb of Montfermeil, Paris. They are head to head with the underworld, try to maintain peace with the influential community leaders and tread a tightrope between the demands of the law and real life. All hell breaks loose when one arrest goes tragically wrong. A pretty hard hitting drama of police brutality and racism.

Hope is a dangerous thing

The cinematography is probably the greatest that I have ever seen. The film, it looks absolutely amazing and the way it is executed - like it was done all in one shot - is magically cool. It's WWI, couple of soldiers has an important message to deliver to the troops in the frontline and it's a bloody dangerous adventure. Easily one of the best movies I've seen all year and more weight to the fabulous cinema of 2019 (alongside Joker, The Irishmen, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Ford v Ferrari and Parasite).

When the lion is hungry, it eats

 

After Aladdin, this is more trademark Guy Ritchie. In fact, it's back to the roots, somewhere he's truly good at, the crime shit; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch as the reference points. Michael Pearson (Matthew McConaughey) is the new cannabis baron in London, and lots of people - motivated either by greed or revenge - try to outwit him, his wife Rosalind (Michelle Dockery) and his secretatary/bodyguard Ray (Charlie Hunnam). The outcome is terribly entertaining and cool, bits violent, but with plenty of laughs. A great cast, where particularly Hugh Grant and Colin Farrell stand out.

They are all princesses

Guy Ritchie's take on the tale from One Thousand and One Nights. He hasn't done too much to change the tradition, it still is a love story and a musical fantasy, but of course there's money well spent on modern makeover and the eastern magic is more sparkling than ever before. And the colourful extravaganza is absorbing to say the least.

Everything but the spine

This is the invisible man as it was originally (courtesy of H. G. Wells) intented: the devil incarnate. People think Cecilia Kass is losing her shit, but she's being tormented by her sicko husband that no one can see. Good bloody horror, plenty of brilliant scares and truly a stunning performance by Elisabeth Moss. A few plotholes and logic issues here and there, but luckily plenty of hysterically wicked scenes as well.

A seed has to rot in the ground

Apartheid South Africa was a racist fuck. All the subversive people were imprisoned. That included couple of left-wing leaflet bombers who, the minute they got locked in, plan a way to escape. One of the better Daniel Radcliffe's more mature roles as a mastermind of a true life breakout that looked like it was doomed to failure.

To die is to be human

A renowned and rewarded - also feared - journalist Lloyd Vogel of Esquire magazine is given an assignment out of spite to interview a children's TV show host and probably the nicest man on earth, an angel in disguise, Fred Rogers. It doesn't take long until the seasoned journalist's skin is softened to the nice old man's positive view of the world, his insights, and, in a way, things are reversed. The beautiful story is contagious and inspirational. The people in the lead (Tom Hanks and Matthew Rhys) and others in the cast are downright amazing. Perhaps the biggest feelgood and thought-provoking surpise of the year.

Glass earth harmony

It's just me prob'ly, but I've never understood the Seth Rogen type of humour or whatever comedy he and his posse (Judd Apatow, James Franco, Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel) represents. It's playing it safe thus it's hopelessly trivial and, on a more direct note, stupid and not funny. Long Shot suits the bandwagon. A goofy journalist ends up writing the speeches of the Secretary of State and it's disgustingly canned laughter.

They say this house is theirs

Every once in a while I drift into a conversation of contemporary horror movies worth a damn and I always mention Alejandro Amenábar's The Others. It was released in 2001 already, but it's still as fucking good as it ever was. Lady of the manor Grace (Nicole Kidman), totally cut off from the world, is losing her marbles because apparently her and her children's mansion is occupied by ghosts or ghastly macabre witches. Traditional horror at its finest.

Post-traumatic exorcism

Operation Abilene was one of the bloodiest battles in the entire Vietnam War. Fifty years later, they are seeking justice for one soldier whose effort and courage saved a many lives. Private Pitsenbarger - a legend among troops - should deserve the Medal of Honor, the highest declaration of war, posthumously. The case and investigations within are given to a hotshot Pentagon staffer who interviews, albeit reluctantly at first, the people how knew and fought with William Pitsenbarger. And it's reminiscences of the war all the way to the end. Bit of a bore and airbrushed sentimental bullshit, to be honest, but a pretty cool cast of William Hurt, Christopher Plummer, Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris and Peter Fonda (his last movie) at least.

Massively into swastikas

Johannes 'Jojo' Betzler is a 10-year old wee lad on the verge of becoming the bestest loyal little nazi in Jungvolk. Trouble is Jojo is a bit too nice for the third reich business and having an imaginery friend Adolf for company makes him an outcast of society and not in harmony with the uniform nazi Shangri-La. Not the most ground-breaking of satires, courtesy of Taika Waititi (Flight of the Conchords, Hunt for the Wilderpeople), but fun moments with serious undertones, witty dialogue and overall entertaining cinema.