Did you mean black cocks?

Sometimes the laughs were at the right places. I like it when excessively cruel and vulgar jokes are executed in a deadpan style and they did that a lots here. Of course it wasn't like that all time, but it's pretty fresh and original, essentially done lots better than most of the contemporary comedies.

Twister with teeth

It's christmas holidays and I'm watching Sharknado 2. It's sad and weird and essentially fucklots stupid, but suits me fine.

We are in this friggin' mess

Things went sour in school play 'The Gallows' and, now, 20 years later they reenact the show. But some sort of ghastly curse has been following the play all these years and a few students learn it through the hard way. Couple of good scares, but the hand-held camera horror has run it course by now.

Of course the cross is fucking heavy

A werewolf is tormenting a retired people's community, but a blind man with a shovel for a cane is onto the beast and becomes a vigilante fighting for justice. A pretty entertaining and sort of sympathetic indie horror.

Love laughs at locksmiths

It's a Buster Keaton movie from 1922. I was supposed to watch a Buster Keaton movie marathon, but I didn't have patience for more than this shortie. There's this rascal running away from townful of cops as a story and the trademark Keaton acrobatics are there. I'm sure people find these silent shits hilarious. 

No one escapes

A Canadian surfer dude falls in love with Columbian drug lord and philanthropist Pablo Escobar's niece and it can be a bit tricky being a gringo among the Latin Americans armed to the teeth. And with the great uncle Pablo in the family comes some great responsibilities. Not sure about the young guy (Josh Hutcherson), but Benicio Del Toro is as convincing as ever and it's quite a brutal and thrilling - albeit fabricated - a story.

The dead are not very far away

Mr. Sherlock Holmes (Ian McKellan) is retired from his previous work as a world known detective and now lives in the countryside as a bee farmer and borderline alzheimer. However, the little that he has left of his deductive reasoning he utilizes in reminiscencing an old case involving a supposedly homicidal woman. No sight of Dr. Watson here, Holmes is aided only by a housekeeper (Laura Linney) and her nosy little son.

Throwing a tantrum

Where would the world go if we were swapping bodies like there was no tomorrow? This is the sort of science thriller that in all its speculativeness you gotta see at least once. That 'once' may just be more than enough though.

Buildings, antennas, spans and earth

A documentary feature of BASE-jumper Carl Boenish. His peers and lovers and family and friends talk about working with one of the pioneers of the profession. We hear stories from everyone but the man himself, thence wait for the inevitable to happen.

We are already fucking dead

What would you do if you and the entire mankind, for a fact, had 12 hours to live? A few options (mostly debauchery related) provided in this low budget but reasonably well executed Australian movie. One lad wants to help out this wee little lassie to find her dad. Liked this thought-provoking piece just fine.

Egyptian footprints

Basic investigative procedures and musings of hunting down a serial killer. French secret police and justice system are connecting the dots to muster enough aggravating evidence to close the case. Left me bored and disappointed.

Killing for sport

Quite obviously, digitally fucked to hell and back, so that takes a lot away from the fun. Don't know is it fun though to watch bunch of imbeciles and trained dino puppies hunting down a super mutant dinosaur for two hours. Liked 'em earlier Jurassic pieces just fine, and, really, the real reason for failure is that people like Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern and Richard Attenborough are replaced here by Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. Do the math. 

Prancing little pants-wetters

The hunt of a suspected nazi symphatizer is on in Estonia. But the guy likes his fencing so much that he doesn't care. Partially based on the real life story of an Estonian fencer Endel Nelis (1925-1993). Alright at best.

In the fear of the ferocity of man

It's Rashômon (1950) by Akira Kurosawa. A woman raped and a man knifed to death in the woods, but how things actually happened is a mystery of its own. A campfire story with old eastern magic, however I didn't like it too much to tell the truth.

Eyes filled with potential and hope

Ok, a horror/thriller movie, so everything can - and, prob'ly, should - happen. But this confusing shit is most of the times too fucking unbelievable. It goes to crazy new territories at every step of the way, leaving things unexplained in a nonsensical state and you begin to question your own perception as if you missed something crucial of the story. Still, I'd say, it's worth the effort to watch because it looks good.

Come forth and claim your offering

A family of five moves into a small town that has a seriously weird vibe. Its citizens look happy, but they are ferociously evil fuckers who worship the evil entity from hell that turns innocent teenagers into black-slime-vomiting convulsing little freaks. B-shit horror.

Hug a hobo

Couple of petty car thieves are destined to foster a 10-year old boy after his mother commits suicide. The movie is fishing for sympathy and little laughs, but it's just terribly executed.

Just hungering to feast on the flesh of man

Nazi zombies are on a mission that was never completed on WWII, so they are about to strike a small Norwegian village Talvik and slaughter its citizens, wipe it out completely. But with the help from the Zombie Squad, the locals create an army of their own (enter Russian zombie prisoners). Red vs Dead is just about as senselessly cool as its predecessor.

Fishing for sympathy

Nick Hathaway (Chris Hemsworth) is a cyber bully, but opts to fight with the good guys against evil cyber terrorists. I usually am a fan of Michael Mann's pieces, and at best this has reminiscences of his cool inimitable style, but unfortunately the story itself is a flawed bore and the actors can't deliver.

Towards news disappointments

Wonderful homegrown documentary of players from an ice hockey team playing at Division II, the fourth level of competetive hockey in Finland. The guys who love their sport yet most of them have to cope with washed-up dreams or somehow keeping the dream alive.

It's that stitcher

Makes a new meaning of being in "someone else's shoes". I guess this is one of those funny and harmless little movies that you watch at bottomless ease - might even enjoy a bit - and forget as soon as you let go.

Most app to succeed

A movie that solely focuses on tits and asses and balls and cocks and grade B jokes probably is overwhelming joy to some, I had difficulty breathing in disgust. Finnish comedy is at its lowest at the moment.

This is not a normal day

As shitty as they come sometimes, catastrophe movies are always welcomed. Here a bludgeoning earthquake hits the California State and people with willpower and knowledge seem to cope it with ease. Sure enough, the predictable story stinks to high heaven, but it's pretty entertaining while it lasts. It's pure popcorn with a trademark American pathos ending.

You better start singing Dixie

I still don't know what to make of this series. In many ways it disappoints me. It somewhat annoys me that it's almost great, but only almost, and the actors almost have charisma. And the issues of aplenty relationships are unnecessary in a western series. At least, I think that you don't need wishy-washy romance to make entertainment when there's cowboys and indians lurking in every doorway.

We all are vulnerable and at war

Abel Morales (Oscar Isaac) runs a legimate heating & oil business, but people around him - partners, competitors, lawyers, mobsters and cops - seem all to be no-good pains in the asses, so much in fact that it seems like it's a one man against the whole early 80s tumultuous New York. A decent enough a movie (actually, looks tremendously cool), not much to complain, other than that it sometimes seemed that the story didn't go anywhere, probably it did but I was too bored to notice.

The saints never give up

The feelgood movie of the night. Bill Murray has a magical touch when it comes to bringing sort of carefreeness into things around him. This time round his character Vincent teams up with a young new neighbour Oliver. And it's all good fun with some underlying serious issues of parenthood, poverty and being good to people around you building towards the end. Mr. Murray's talent is best witnessed when the credits roll and he's seen having a cigarette, hosing his dead garden plant and singing "Shelter From The Storm" by Bob Dylan.

A wedding photographer who only takes selfies

I don't much follow stand-up comedy, but thanks to recommendation, I have a new performing hero now. Brilliantly vulgar jokes executed in fantastic deadpan style.

Back to the reeds

Can't say anything positive of this total and utter garbage. A trademark Finnish farce that is sadly unfunny. It doesn't go to my head why they are making movies like this. A fucking mystery of the highest fucking order.

No sin goes unpunished

Of all the Liam Neeson movies where he plays a tough-as-nails character (Taken, Non-Stop, A Walk Among Tombstones, The Grey, et al.) I reckon this is his strongest one yet. A solid built crime thriller with a high figure ammunition and body count, comes also with lots of likeable, memorable and strong characters.

The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter

Finished in 1941, so I watched so much at the out of date items such as telephones, guns, tobacco, curtains, automobiles and common wardrobe that I almost forgot to follow the story. It's about a private dick (Humphrey Bogart) looking for a golden statue of a bird once given from Maltese royalty to a Spanish one. These timepieces, they always give you something special and extra.

The plains of silence

Worth every word of appraisal I heard before seeing the fucker. One of the most ball-grabbing and hair-raising and breath-taking movies ever released. Truly high-octane action engulfed in almost unspeakable visuality. Stunning.

Abducted in Monitoba

A podcast host (Justin Long) in quest for a juicy headline story travels to Canada and comes across a man who desires to turn his unsuspecting guests into walruses. Kevin Smith's horror and comedy are combined into a sadistic mush, Johnny Depp does a cameo yet it's altogether rather a disappointing film.

Some stories are too true to tell

It all came back to haunt me. Them Reagan era shenanigans; the shady politics and tie-in deals, traffickers, the CIA, the FBI and the journalists risking their lives putting 'em all together. Plus, of course, the Nigaraguan marching powder. Based on the true story, but, to quote the headline, some stories are too true to tell, so we only scratch the surface here.

Hungry wolves

A rookie internal affairs officer suspects that the head of narcotics department is up to no good. A standard not-yesterday's-news case, but I reckon I haven't seen any Icelandic crime movies before and it makes a rather splendid appearance, comparable to its Norwegian, Swedish and Danish counterparts.

Earth is its equal

Having read no reviews, judging only by the title, I expected something completely different. What I got was a story of vodka-slurping people in a beautifully bleak village somewhere in northern Russia. The barren landscapes make it kind of magical and the actors do incredibly well (read a trivia that they drank booze for real), but otherwise it's just a painfully slow-moving drama.

Love the land and fellow man

Scott Ian seems like a such a nice man. In his memoir he doesn't go ways talking shit about anyone (unless, of course, you happen to be Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P.) - in fact, he seems to be so nice with his niceties that you can't help thinking that he's leaving something out. Nevertheless, good story this, found the personal family reminiscences a bit boring but tidbits of the early U.S. Speed and Thrash Metal scene were very interesting.

Can't rush inspiration

Walter Keane (Christoph Waltz) takes credit of Margaret Keane's (Amy Adams) paintings and eventually the truth begins to unravel begetting a few funny, uncomfortable and disquieting scenes. Based on true events. Tim Burton makes a rather washed-up story into a captivating motion picture.

It's possible that truth exists

Translates to 'First dog on the moon'. Newspapers columns by famous Finnish astronomer put into one volume. Funny, easily readable musings.

Selling camel shit to Arabs

Season # 3 of Lilyhammer. And I hope to fuck that it ain't true that the show has been cancelled. Wouldn't be the first time they stop doing cool as shit TV productions though. Fuck.

Hot water, no Germans

I admit, I know little, if at all, of Turkey's history. Not early 20th century or otherwise. So, it's a pleasure to learn and discover something new with movies. Probably what struck me the most is that Turkey seems to be one of those countries that has been at constant war at all times. Anyways, congratulations to Russell Crowe for doing this and starring as an Australian father of three who goes to Turkey in search of his boys presumably dead and joining the Ottoman partisans and whatnot.

Forever is a very long time

A Polish nun is roaming about a countryside in search of her parents who got lost in the aftermath of WWII. A b&w production that, despite a quite thin storyline, is surprisingly entertaining in its laconic touch.

Unclean spirits go in your ears

Norwegian Christian Death Metal band Extol makes a comeback. Well, I tried to take this as a music documentary - the genre I'm comfortable with. But Christian Death Metal - that's fucken evil and wrong, even though they do their utmost to convince us otherwise. Extol's music is shit as repulsively bad, as a music documentary it's actually pretty good a film.

With laundry detergent and lye

The Dennis Lehane novel was great, the movie is kind of great too. I mean, it's my kind of crime caper with a bunch of shady characters and all - great actors to boot - but it never really ignated properly. Fun to watch, but perhaps too easily forgotten.

Into blast furnace

Where the hell did this come from? An excellent cold war espionage thriller from a Polish standpoint. The world is on the verge of WWIII and quite likely a nuclear annihilation and a lone Polish colonel (codename: The Seagull) makes an effort to save mankind. Based on a true story, an authentic looking film and easily competes with the best of them.

Like it's two pennies

Based-on-a-Stephen-King-novel-straight-to-DVD-crap. After 25 years of marriage, the wife discovers that her husband is a serial killer (a dozen victims). Needless to say perhaps, but it's pretty bad the whole movie.

The gates of prison are open

I kept repeating myself that it's only a movie. Hadn't I done so, I had been so disgusted that I'd never finish it. Excellent stuff, a Susanne Bier movie with the Danish heavyweights (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Ulrich Thomsen and Nikolaj Lie Kaas) in the lead.

The posthumous humiliation

Starts out as a vigorous heist movie, but ends up as the Jason-Statham-survives-everything-kills-everyone silliness, so much, in fact, that it buries the Donald E. Westlake novel (that the movie is based on) coolness.

Wicked witch from the north

Olive Kitteridge (Frances McDormand) is a judgemental and intolerent and petty and stubborn and a very candid woman and his husband (Richard Jenkins) is the kindest man on earth. I had this DVD on my shelf for months until I read somewhere that it won Primetime Emmy awards, so I watched the fucking thing. A splendid four episode mini series.

Walk the grid

I have read most of the novels Jeffery Deaver has penned. The Skin Collector is another one to the Lincoln Rhyme series and, in all honesty, it starts to repeat itself. It's good and it's comfortable, but the element of surprise is long gone. 

Easy entrance for nobodies

Quite excessive, don't you think, to make seven (7) Fast & Furious movies? When and how they all came from, I have no idea and not that it makes much difference because I don't need to see the rest of them. This is ridicuously pompous shit, hacknayed laughs and acting that gives you the shivers. It's a bit lucky though that they put so much untalent in the same movie (same franchise even), so they can't be doing that much damage elsewhere.