Longing like a fucking veil

A gifted young collage student and her teacher have so much in common that there's a danger their relationship might turn inappropriate. It's a clichéd fairytale, a shallow romantic attempt without a proper story to speak of, or ending for that matter. The leads stars Martin Freeman and Jenna Ortega are pretty good though.

Very much worth the sacrifice

The Höss family has it covered. A beautiful home with even more a beautiful garden. A swimming pool at the yard for children. Rudolf, the father, has a job right next door and while he's at work the wife keeps the house nice and clean. They enjoy life while the every second of the day, just a wall away, the concentration camp Auschwitz murders jews by the millions. The stench of death of victims exterminated by gassing and burning, the gunshots and the noise of trains bringing more people to slaughter are just a little nuisance to the Höss folks. The Zone of Interest is bizarre and inconvenient cinema at its finest.

The call of malignant gaze

Two girls disappear into the woods and they come back bewitched. The Exorcist: Believer comes with Ellen Burstyn and Linda Blair, from William Friedkin's Exorcist (1973). They are in the side roles only, and everything else is an insult to the original.

The sky is falling on our heads

They have a great cast here. A strong European and Asian line-up of Guillame Ganet, Gilles Lellouche, Vincent Cassel, Marion Cotillard, Linh-Dan Phan, Bun-hay Mean and even Zlatan Ibrahimovich. But it's a kids adventure movie with infantile jokes, not a wild and crazy cartoon, so doesn't really leave a lasting remark.

Nervous is good

Sisters Drew and May are deep-sea divers. An unfortunate accident happens and May gets stuck under a boulder by her feet. She's got mere minutes oxygen left, so Drew has to be extra resourceful - and fast - to save her sister from impending death. The Dive, by Maximilian Erlenwein, is decent but comes with a hopelessly predictable survival movie script.

Cosmic black magic rituals

A scientist, presumed dead, has a secret laboratory in the middle of a forest far away from any civilization where he seems to be opening the gates of hell! The Breach is a sympathetic little scifi horror indie. It lacks logic and leaves unexplained bits behind, but that's alright.

The furthest shore

Liam Neeson’s towering presence feels right at home where else but in a film set in 1970s volatile Ireland and the rest of the cast, particularly Jack Gleeson and Cierán Hinds, are downright fantastic as well. The movie itself started out really great too, like a brooding western, but somehow and somewhere along the line it just turned quite stupid.

Orphans always make the best recruits

A 2012 James Bond movie directed by Sam Mendes, starring Daniel Craig as the agent 007, Judi Dench as Bond's superior M (the head of M16), Ben Whishaw as Q (the head of Department Q) and Javier Bardem as the main antagonist Silva. Theme song Skyfall performed by Adele. Shit hits the fan big time, agents around the world are exposed, MI6 is attacked forcing M to relocate with James Bond as her only trusted ally.

Bad people do bad things

Aussie teenager Amy believes her next door neighbor is a notorious serial killer called The Clockwork Killer. Of course, no one believes her. Especially her mom who dates the fucking guy! Amy is obsessed proving she's right. Girl at the Windows's excitement stops there because the script goes absolutely haywire the rest of the movie.

Flying together into the forever

On the brink of superhero movies running their time out, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3, by James Gunn, proves there’s some hope left. The stars are a group of well-created misfits doing their best to save the universe from space tyrants trying to take control of everything. It’s fun, exciting and wholly adventurous.

Eternity in the making

In a year when all sports came to a standstill, Liverpool FC finally saw their team lift the Premier League trophy that had eluded them for 30 years. The End of the Storm celebrates one of sport's most historic triumphs and the team lead by one of the most iconic sport characters, a true special one Jürgen Klopp. His time in the club is something the fans, me included, reminiscence with utmost pride and pleasure.

Couldn't get laid in a morgue

An '85 comedy by John Hughes. The laughs are a little outdated as we speak and it hasn't really stood the test of time otherwise either, but it was kind of entertaining back then. Two college teenagers build a woman of their dreams by computer and the product, named Lisa (Kelly LeBrock), makes the small town crazy.

A sticking plaster for life's weirdos

Donny Dunn, an aspiring stand-up comedian, works in a pub in London. One day he offers a cup of tea to Martha, a customer. She, a psychopath by trade, becomes a pain in the ass, stalking poor Donny and harassing him online. Stars aren't aligned for him. Years earlier, he ended up in drug-induced relationship with a TV writer who sexually molested him. Baby Reindeer is so weird and disturbing that it can't be but a true story, no one can make this shit up. The most outspoken self-portrait on screen.

The summer funeral

Keke Soikkeli's Tuomion Saari should be shown at every film school for educational purposes, so the future film makers would learn what to avoid at their projects. This Finnish "horror" movie is beyond shit.

The sea gives and the sea takes

I had to swallow Avatar: the Way of the Water (by James Cameron) in small appropriate doses, in max 60 minutes bites. Otherwise I couldn't have made it. Not only it's long (192 minutes), but the animated characters have so little to give. Them lifeless buggers are endlessly boring. Thankfully, the movie looks nice, like a standard contemporary video game, just too bad you are left out playing it and marvel someone else's handiwork instead.

New gallows, new rope

Jeff Webster drives a cattle herd. From Wyoming to Seattle, and through the mountains to Dawson. And in the wake of the Klondike Gold Rush, proceeds into a new adventure while locking horns with a crooked lawman. The Far Country is a decent 1954 western directed by Anthony Mann and starring James Stewart.

Work hard and play hard

Seems like David Beckham is a genuinely nice bloke. You certainly don't have to appreciate the football teams he's played with, but he's alright, the lad. Humble even. He however was the biggest football star of his time.

Make a copy of a copy of a copy

The general stupidity of the characters is something else, but that’s how it goes oftentimes. Barbarian started out great, it was exciting and could have paved way for an excellent horror film. But they ran out of everything, ideas in particular.

Very harsh and unpleasant kind of business

The grandson of a famous gunslinger and cattle thief Jacob McCandles aka. Big Jake has been kidnapped for a ransom of $1 million dollars, so he sets out to rescue the boy. Decent western although its comic moments are shit.

More relaxed, poised, musical and open

According to a theory, by Norwegian psychiatrist, psychotherapist, author and professor Finn Skårderud, a man is born with too little alcohol in the blood (0.05% in fact). Four Danish teachers are encouraged by the study so much that they try it out, consume alcohol until they reach and maintain the appropriate level of inebriation, and the results seem positive. Teaching that once was boring seems so cool and innovative now. But the project can also have consequences. Thomas Vinterberg’s Another Round is genuinely funny, beautiful and heart-warming masterpiece.

No one appreciates subtlety

Eli Roth's Thanksgiving has innovative (and quite funny) ways of death and dying, but otherwise is meaningless and clichéd crap. A stupid slasher movie that tried to be something like Scream and Halloween combined, but lacks everything from character development to actual suspense and thrills.

Road to truth has many turns

A German terrorist Simon (Jeremy Irons) is in New York City and he plans to rob the Federal Reserve Building. John McClane (Bruce Willis) and a Harlem store owner Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) race all over the city trying to figure out the puzzles that the terrorist gives them. John McTiernan's Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995) could just well be the best piece of the Die Hard franchise.

Asking a revived corpse five questions

Some of these fantasy movies just have to be given a chance sometimes, it may pay off. Like Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, by John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein, absolutely zero expectations, but the adventure of a thief and a band of other daredevils is a goddamned wicked and fun ride!

Judged by the strength of enemies

A James Bond movie directed by Marc Forster in 2008, starring Daniel Craig as the agent 007, Gemma Arterton as the Bond girl Strawberry Fields, Judi Dench as Bond's superior 'M" (the head of M16) and Mathieu Amalric as the main antagonist Dominic Greene. Theme song Another Way to Die performed by Jack White and Alicia Keys. Yet another confusing spy humbug (sequel to Casino Royale) where James Bond ends up making things straight in Bolivia.

Just a desire to live one more day

Helena was born in the woods, raised by her kidnapped mother and the mother’s kidnapper. After exposing to the outside world, adaptation to the modern world takes its toll and the past comes to haunt her. Shame how after a decent start Marsh Kings Daughter turned into a generic thriller.

A place of conspicuous display

Former hardcore neo-Nazi and a murderer is in a witness protection working as a gardener for a renowned orchard. He’s found joy from flowers but fucks up his gig over a girl. It’s all fine and interesting for so long. When it tries to be a thriller, Master Gardener reconstructs itself useless.

When I was born they screamed

Peter's parents aren't what they seem, they've a sinister secret no-one knows about. Cobweb is not a desperately bad a horror flick, but senselessly confusing shit on the same token. Good scares and spooky vibes, creepy little fucker, but eventually ruined by a bad, awkwardly rushed, ending.

Don't let your tragedy define you

Barry Allen aka The Flash is such a fast Superhero that he can run back in time! But, according to the laws of the good old butterfly effect, changing even a minuscule detail in the past can have disastrous consequences in the future. It can break the universe as we know it. The Flash, the movie directed by Andy Muschietti, sometimes hits the mark, oftentimes not

Surgery is the new sex

We've passed the point where David Cronenberg's body horror no longer is found disgusting. Or entertaining for that matter. Crimes of the Future is about humankind trying to adapt to its synthetic surroundings and thence is in a constant state of metamorphosis. The shit is not morbid and discomforting, it's just dull and pointless.

That was death and it is coming

It seems to be a great horror story. Hopefully they find a way to end it properly. Reminiscences of Lost (2004-2010). It takes its time to get where it's going and you are still puzzled as every answer you get leads to more questions. There's a town somewhere that traps those who enter and they are plagued by vile nocturnal creatures. Everything is wrapped in puzzles and secrets. Season # 1 is a proper nightmarish mystery.

Once it's dark, it can't get any darker

Onibaba is a 1964 Japanese horror film by Kaneto Shindô. However, by today’s standards never in a million years it would be tagged as a horror flick. Not that it wasn’t creepy and atmospheric enough. Set in somewhere in Kyoto region, in the mid-fourteenth century. Midst a civil war, a woman and her daughter-in-law ambush soldiers in a field of tall reeds, kill them, loot them, drop their bodies in a pit hidden in the field and trade their armor and weapons the next day. After a while, jealousy and sexual tension cut between the ladies’ perfectly sinister business venture. Call it horror or not, Onibaba is a striking feature of cinematic poetry.

Hit and run one more time

Written and directed by Dolph Lundgren. It's kind of cringeworthy all the time and the dialogue is, if not the worst, the most clichéd witnessed the whole year. But still, Wanted Man is quite fun to watch, something's done right.

It's always darkest before the dawn

A boy develops a taste for human blood, but luckily her mom is a nurse who can snatch a few bags of plasma from work. But not for too long. They need an alternate source. And motherly love calls for desperate measures. Pointless and boring horror drivel.

Evil goes away

Almost uncomfortable to watch. A kindergarten teacher is wrongly accused of exposing himself. And in this day and age, an innocent little lie can trigger a witch hunt and ruin someone’s life completely. A brilliant movie (courtesy of Thomas Vinterberg) propelled by dazzling performances of Mads Mikkelsen and Thomas Bo Larsen.

There is no way to say goodbye

I guess even the film makers got so bored with this movie that they happily walked out of the project after 70 minutes. It was going nowhere and it wasn't getting any better, so why not just end it. A lukewarm buddy comedy at best.

They listen to toilet bowls these days

Four Finnish men, and a pig, celebrate Christmas in the middle of a summer. It includes male nudity, stiff drinks and an innovative makeshift sauna. Nothing can go wrong. Directed by Jari Halonen, starring Jorma Tommila, Oiva Lohtander, Rauno Juvonen, Antti Reini and Pötsi (the pig).

When everyone runs from the fire, you run to it

It's Speed (1994) and Phone Booth (2002) all over again, only worse. Matt Turner and his kids are inside a car that's booby-trapped with explosives! If they try to escape from the vehicle they are blown to kingdom come! It's kind of exciting silly little thriller, but plotholed to death.

Happiness in abandoned times

A street-wise kid Hamster wants to be the next Hunter S. Thompson and write stories that are flashworthy and cool. He interviews and befriends a village idiot Max Fist who claims to be a superhero from an another dimension called Chronium and who is without his cosmic powers because the sources are left behind his own universe and cosmic tendrils of time. Archenemy is an indie bit that started out great, but struggled with its slow pacing.

Cosmic luck for losers

He's good at executing action, the Finnish director Renny Harlin. But recent years everything that's thrown his way, he can't handle. The Bricklayer's action bits, fights mostly, little shooting, it seems effortless and kind of cool. The story is disheveled shit, not only lacks motive and logic, its dialogue is a shit-show. A fucking mess.

Infected with humanity

Season # 1 of Chris Sheridan's Resident Alien. Just about the funniest shit in the neighborhood right now. Alan Tyduk (best known from Tucker and Dale vs Evil) is downright amazing as an alien taking a human form in small-town of Patience, Colorado, as his spacecraft crash-lands on his mission to wipe out human civilization. He takes on the identity of Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle, whom he killed upon encountering, and works as a town doctor thence putting him in constant contact with the folks in town. Resident Alien is groovy wholehearted entertainment and guaranteed to make you laugh.

The last retch for the hordes without mercy

Set in the late 1970s Barcelona Modelo Prison where inmates were constantly being brutally beaten and battered. They finally mustered up courage to revolt and claim for amnesty, but back then, under the iron claws of the Francoist Regime, the Spanish penitentiary system was an excruciating and grim affair. Modelo 77’s (Prison 77) plot is inspired by the real attempted prison break attempted by 45 inmates, and it’s a rather gripping prison drama.

Morning light goes nowhere

It's either the lack of chemistry between the lead actors Madeline Zima and Joel David Moore, or the scripted bullshit that's force-fed into their mouths, that ruin this perfectly average rom-com. Their characters are stuck in a traffic jam after a one night stand. And it's annoying to watch.

Ghosts of the blazing Sun

There's animosity between the original villagers and a French family in a remote rural part of Galicia, Spain. Resentment, xenophobia and tensions simmer until ending in a shocking outcome. As Bestas, by Rodrigo Sorogoyen, is definitely a slow burner film, but you are succumbed into its absorbing atmosphere. Incredible piece of work.

It's just programming

Robots took over the world. Humans are taking it back. However, AI’s last stand is in New Asia and they’re about to launch a new war. The people of the west need to eradicate AI and find its source, codename Nirmata, before the end of human civilization. The Creator is popcorn entertainment, it’s visually impressive and looks damn amazing, but the movie could have been so much more if the story was more engaging and thought-out.

Subpoenaed six feet under ground

Mildred Gillars was known as Axis Sally. She was an American broadcaster employed by Nazi Germany to spread propaganda during World War II. Thus she was part of the war machine of the Third Reich. American Traitor follows her capture in post-war Berlin and her trial on charges of aiding the German war effort in the United States. Nothing special as a movie, but there's the historic interest and, as often, Al Pacino in a standout performance.

The lord of death

Raeford Morton Renfield is Count Dracula's servant. After their adventures in the old Europe, they're now residing in New Orleans hoping for improvement to their lives. With a little difference. Renfield hopes his normal life back and a feeling of belonging to the world. Count Dracula wants world domination. Renfield, by Chris Mckay, is utterly funny take on the characters Bram Stoker created. Nicolas Cage shines as the prince of Wallachia and the movie is just brilliant bloody good time. 

Face in the war machine

In Jordan, there's a secret facility for terrorists. Bad people are locked up and interrogated there. When the place in infiltrated, it becomes even worse. Luckily the system is built up so amazingly that it explodes two hours after its security is breached. Abigail "Abby" Trent (Michelle Monaghan) is the master hunter and Hatchet (Jason Clarke) is the hunted and they have a gunfight in the bunkers. Black Site is some next level espionage shit, but clichéd, loopholed and generic to no end.

Sailors of the last hour

The Rebels of PT-218 is a movie where nothing works. Not a single thing. The actors, they’re all shite. Cinematography is a humbug mess. It's on the low end of B grade movies. Absolute good-for-nothing.

Steadfast as the stars

A 1939 film directed by William A. Wellman. Starring Gary Cooper, Ray Milland, Robert Preston, Brian Donlevy and Susan Hayward. Three brothers, who fifteen years earlier were suspected of a jewel thief, join French Foreign Legionnaires and they are up against the disciplinary rules, attacks by Tuaregs and the desert heat. Even by today’s standards, Beau Geste is a solid adventure piece.

A prophecy of heart-shaped world

It's dark and violent, but still smiling on the inside. A little thing, like a wee girl wanting a blue bicycle instead of a red, escalates into a violent confrontation of a criminal motorcycle gang and an army officer with bunch of offbeat scientists for a company. Riders of Justice (Retfærdighedens ryttere), by Anders Thomas Jensen, is an action-packed Danish revenge movie and underneath its straight-forward rumble is a more emotional and humorous tone.