The reasons of bad engineering

An elderly gay couple (John Lithgow and Alfred Molina) are stuck between apartments in New York City. No proper story to speak of, bereft of drama if you will, so had John and Alfred been replaced by ordinary somebodies, the story would have never been translated into a movie.

Those who live in the shadows

I am not, of course, familiar with all the Disney stories, but apparently this is one. And it's traditional little fairytale thing; a world full of kings and queens, heroes and villains, and pixies and witches. Not exactly my turf.

A lazy Sunday softness

I think this was just plain bullshit. It tried to be clever, a super intellectual heist fucker, but failed. And them actors, they did not do well.

Blissfully untrained

Magical cinematography. Stunning. Spectacular. Absolutely motherfucking tip top. Of course it ain't so, but it's presented as the movie was shot on one uninterrupted take. It looks perfectly fucking flawless and, with the long shots, the actors must have either relished or suffered with the dialogue. Looks great though. The story is of a desperate former superhero Hollywood star (Michael Keaton) doing a Raymond Carver theatre play at Broadway.

Losing a tail if it was attached to a dog

I couldn't really concentrate on the story because my focus was totally on goofs, mishaps and factual errors of what I kept seeing. I didn't mind, I had a cool time. Of course, it was ridiculous as fuck, tried to be fucking The Fugitive all over again, but somehow I just didn't care. Too ludicrous not to enjoy.

Squat-fucked by Satan

Yeah, why not. Stretch is an entertaining action-comedy, quite an energetic little fucker. Cool cameos (David Hasselhoff, Ray Liotta, Norman Reedus). And that's it.

Born ready

Traditional zombie scares are always welcomed. In this Aussie production, the zombie blood is flammable, so that's pretty groovy.

Rather a sparrow than a snail

A kind of desperate girl (Reese Witherspoon) takes a hike to find herself or sumthin'. Namely, it's the Pacific Crest Trail and they say it's a pretty popular hiking trail (located in California). And, yes, the sceneries look quite nice. And they should have utilized the nature in this movie thousandfold because I got bored seeing Reese Witherspoon's face close-up all the time and listen to her bitching and whining issues.

I think I am becoming a God

A dramatist and associate professor of literature in university has a gambling problem. We could have issues that Mark Wahlberg might not sit well on that part, but to be completely fair, he doesn't fuck this up. The movie starts reasonably interesting, but quickly comes down to a hopelessly dry and uninteresting nothingness that's hammered with mundane and pointless jargon. The meagre attempts of thrills and action are washed up before they hit the ground.

Dentists on trampolines

What a drag. In many ways this is a fucking Big Lebowski rip-off. The main character Doc is The Dude copycat, plus, there's people missing, there's Nixon-era hippies and drugs and millionaires and private dicks and cops. On the other hand, it tries to write like Tarantino, or Altman perhaps. It's a hard-to-follow shit with a stupid and totally useless voice-over following around. It's absolutely nowhere near as funny and clever as it thinks it is.

A bunch of fucking limp-dick, sour-note, flatter-than-their-girlfriends, flexible-tempo dipshits

Well, one thing is fucken certain. J.K. Simmon's Fletcher, music conductor/teacher, is the character of the year. Outstandingly well performed and fleshed out role, but otherwise you might think the movie is a tad overhyped. Bits magical, but, in the end, only a music drama.

Frozen in a grim rictus

A bits wacko rich man and his missus get kicks out of making ludicrous bets and two childhood friends in desperate need of ready cash opt to play along. A surprisingly entertaining indie piece.

If I can take it, I can make it

Angelina Jolie does a magnificent job directing this true story of an Olympic athlete going through hell and purgatory in WWII. Bits reminiscences of Papillon, The Bridge on the River Kwai and, particularly, Cool Hand Luke. Absolutely stellar thing, even the quiet moments of the film were kept interesting and deservedly Jack O'Connell ('71, Starred Up), on the lead, is beginning to make a name for himself.

Romania is a smoking section

You can tell Nicolas Cage does his utmost here. But sometimes it just ain't enough. At best, he's awesome, but often he's just a parody of his profession. Not that it matters much, he's still easily the best thing happened to this movie.

Charlie Chaplin and his nazi regime

Mike Judge's (Beavis & Butthead, Office Space et al.) satire of two people time travelling 500 years onwards to the world where the average IQ has dropped on the level of fart jokes. So literally a stupid comedy, but funny though.

Acting smells like dog shit

I guess I shouldn't have, but I did like the first Horrible Bosses. Now I didn't even laugh at the gag reel in the end, the last bit on that one was alright, but, hey guys, that don't fucking do.

They are under the car

I guess you got what you came for. Bread and butter for IMDB's "100 things you learned from this movie". Idiotism and sillyness just about everywhere.

Murder house strikes back

Hammer time. The House That Bled to Death (1980). For better and for worse, a semi-old-school distinctively British horror short of a 3-piece family settling in a house once inhabited my a man who hacked his wife to pieces with a knife. From the "House of Horror" series.

Ungrateful apes

A based-on-a-true-story film of two professional wrestler brothers and one eccentric millionaire John du Pont. You could tell that it was done with lots of passion and groundwork and talent and what-have-you, but I was left unsatisfied. I knew the story, some, and to wait the brooding outcome wasn't worth the wait in the end. Overall good, but that's it.

House of horror

A group of young people show macabre curiosity on a house that has a murderous past and equipped with some high-tech video surveillance system, they try to dig up its secrets. I shitted on my pants of all the mumbo-jumbo ridiculousness of it all.

Once sent from the golden hall

Just when you thought that movies can't get any worse, you get Northmen. A very shit movie, but couple of interesting people in the rank; Johan Hegg (the vocalist of a Heavy Metal band Amon Amarth) as short-lived viking Valli and Ryan Kwanten (True Blood) as a kung-fu monk. Anyways, probably the worst viking movie ever released.

Brad Pitt ate my sandwich

Wonderful modern take on spy movies and gets the best of all the james bonds and jason bournes out there. Shitloads of gadgets, kills and deaths and executions and all sorts of head explosions, fresh approach to action and technical wizardry. One particular fighting scene in a church alone is a must-see. Magical and seriously wickedly funny.

Don't underestimate the evil of gold

I've never shared the lust and devotion for J.R.R. Tolkien's works like the rest of my peers. And I've never cared one way or the other about Peter Jackson's plans to translate them to moving images. Good movies, decent stuff, albeit overlong fuckers, but quite watchable still. The last of the Hobbit trilogy - lots of negative feedback already infested in the mind - it follows suit. It was alright.

Mortality is a very iffy thing

Former antique book store owner (Allen) becomes florist's (Turturro) pimp. That's the set-up of the mild comedy where the laughter never really ignites. Lots of jew stuff and New York stuff, looks and feels fucklots like a Woody Allen film even though it's John Turturro who directs.

Lucy kills Leon

These are my movies. Gritty and dirty authentic-looking crime capers with shady characters. I could watch these days on end. Wonderful cast of utmost talent (Philip Seymour Hoffman, John Turturro, Richard Jenkins) makes you believe that you are watching suburban offbeat thuglife for real.

In love with the ground

Now it's proven. You can die of boredom. In fact, I died a thousand deaths.

Grace and redemption

Hilary Swank and Tommy Lee Jones  have a wagonful of out-of-their-minds women on a trip from Nebraska to Iowa. The journey takes them through cold praerie and fierce Indian territories, but these stubborn riders are a tough bunch too.

A simple kind of sample

Something special. An intensified zombie movie withouth the horde of zombies. Actually, it's quite literally withouth any action, but it's written amazingly well with ever so surprising choice of words popping out at every doorway. Wonderful fresh horror.

Fight for eternity

Yeah, you could really attack the ludicrousness and biblical nonsense, laugh and ridicule the historical inaccuracies and plain shittiness. But what good would it do? Who has the time and energy, at least I don't. What is done, is done. Ridley Scott fucking backfired is all.

Life should be unpredictable

The father passes away and the middle-aged children gather up to pay respect at the funeral. They spend an entire week at the old neighbourhood and, unsurprisingly, turns out they have issues of their own. Nothing new under the sun, I probably witness two or three movies exactly like this each year.

Somewhere far away

There's no other way to describe this garbage than 'painfully boring'. A prisoner on the loose thing and Casey Affleck struggles with his acting as he always does.

Tidy the hell up

A French Canadian film of a difficult mom and son relationship. A highly praised and reviewed drama and I can see why even though not exactly my bowl of soup.

Constant stream of humiliations

Four Londoners are about to jump to their very death at the same time. But don't, so they bond, make a pact and befriend. Naturally, they all have issues and that what's this movie is about, and it's spiked up with a bit unnecessary comic relief. Pierce Brosnan, Toni Collette, Imogen Poots and Aaron Paul as the suiciders.

The lost boys of Sudan

Sudanese child refugees of war are stationed to Kansas City, Missouri, and the film - oftentimes underlining it too much - makes entertainment of the cultural differences. But they got it dead on that the first satans the new world produce to the immigrants are Christ, drugs and McDonalds.

Brave the crowds

In case of an avalance, grab your gloves and iphone, leave the wife and kids behind, and run as fast as you can. Swedish man obeys the unwritten rule to the word and, as a momentum, sets things in motion. In no time, it causes quite a few disquieting and uncomfortable moments to the viewers as well.

Most hygienic of beverages

Well, I love wine. I had to drink wine while watching this (Italian was all I had). This movie is mostly about French Bordeaux. It's a quick study of the region, how the wine fluctuates in the business market, what one bad year can do to the sales etcetera. Educational in many ways and changed my perspective on French wine.

Devastation in mind

The novel was cool but I found the movie annoying. Sometimes the words don't turn into images.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

I don't follow any music competitions on the telly or otherwise, but they persist this is a true story, so there. Harmless, albeit typical, from rags to riches story of a Welsh lad who loves his opera and wants to be a singer. Having said all that, the outcome of the movie is perfectly predictable.

Kick up the jams

I reckon this guy has never gotten the respect he deserves. He's more often ridiculed and it's quite likely because he's associated with riding the coattails of famous artists in Finland and he seems so happy. There's always something creepy and suspicious in a guy who's happy in Finland. But it's a fact that he's a stonecold professional manager and his stories are great.

Cat playing a piano

I enjoy watching food programs, but fictional food movie is completely another deal. I'd rather watch any episode of anything Gordon Ramsey, Anthony Bourdain or Keith Floyd - or whoever professional chef - has ever done.

No stranger to misery

Quite wonderful. Never cared much for Mark Ruffalo, but he's on his element as a disheveled New York record producer and label honcho who finds a new talent (Knightley) and things build up. Cool stuff, a true feel-good movie done with passion, although the last 30 minutes of the movie turn into clichéd mush.

They ride their cousins

Extremely mixed feelings. I'm currently reading the American Sniper book by Chris Kyle. And then I read somewhere that it's bunch of blatant exaggeration his confirmed kills and whatnot. It was news to me also that he got killed, by fellow marine no less. And here's Brad Cooper portraying the hero [sic], doesn't quite add up. It's a decent enough a movie, for them American patriots in particular. The shit, that Bush jr. Iraq war, it's based on false fucking pretense, so Clint Eastwood didn't make it easy for the rest of us to like the movie.

One of the thieves was damned

Sligo is a small town somewhere in Ireland and slightly eccentric citizens roam about its moors and seek help and spiritual guidance from its priest (Brendan Gleeson). Some seek illwill. Nothing much happening but well written shit.

The ass of an angel

I usually try to finish the movie I'm set off to see. I hate to leave them unfinished and sometimes I think why I bother. I contemplated throwing this fucker out the window several times, eventually kept my cool, but, shit, time moved motherfucking slow with this boring excuse of a carefree thriller set in Bucharest, Romania.

The beast will follow

Dwayne Johnson as Hercules. I know, sounds shit. And the truth is, after Ridley Scott's Gladiator, all them sword-wielding myth-bound flicks are rather pale in comparison. Maybe because this dares to have fun with the rigid ancient legends, it escapes some criticism. It was quite watchable, methinks.

Skool allihopa

A young woman who was bullied at school takes her revenge 20 years later in a fictive class reunion. Apparently a small sensation in Sweden when it was released. But I, thank heatens, am not a Swede.

Watch the children prey

Cheating and stealing in number of ways in the movie that simultaneously and interlockingly follows the lifes of Pulitzer winner author (Neeson), his mistress (Wilde) and wife (Basinger), a fraud costume designer (Brody) and his sweetheart (Atias), a painter (Franco) and his ex (Kunis) who can't keep a job. Despite the notion that I was sometimes lost in New York, Paris and Rome, I quite enjoyed it all. And when I read the explanation to the story (that I didn't catch in the viewing), it makes it even more interesting.

A dirty little village in the middle of nowhere

I tried to read the novel, but couldn't go further than a few chapters. The movie follows suit. I watched it through though, but with distress. Like before in the Finnish detective Vares series, couple of things in particular annoyed me. First off, the characters they all are weird and wacky (intentionally built that way), and they are plenty. Add that to the worst one-liners known to mankind, and you are good to go.

Never run from a big cat

Another one (3rd) of those Museum adventures with the colourful bunch of people (Roosevelt, Attila the Hun, sir Lancelot, etc.) and, sadly, the last one for Robin Williams and Dick van Dyke.

Times before cell phones and stereoids

There's something amiss when you laugh at 10% of the jokes and sketches, and the rest 90% goes by more or less unnoticed. I mean, you seriously laugh at some of that shit, guts out style, but with the rest of the stuff you feel either cheated or strange satisfaction that you have a superior sense of humour.