Holy laws of putrid flesh

A Mexican chef gets involved with a dodgy side business to save his family from deportation. His assignment is to drive a car from one destination to another. He suspects its illegal. Simmer, by Nick Rush and Stefan van den Graaff, is one of the most boring thrillers I've ever seen.

The personification of evil

The retired Michael Myers and his sidekick. And the sidekick's sidekick. Yeah, I reckon it's about time to end the Halloween franchise. Although, I'm afraid it ain't going to happen. Somehow they'll find a way. Halloween Ends (by David Gordon Green) is a cheap carbon copy of the original. Just like the others, you watch them just for nostalgia's sake.

The man in the grey suit

Dumb as shit. It's amazing how they are still making these shark movies that aren't bringing anything new to the genre. Aussie girls are helpless because a great white shark is stalking them. For fuck's sake.

Hide from the Sun

Season # 1 of Luottomies (Wingman). Two neighbours Tommi (Antti Luusuaniemi) and Juhis (Kari Ketonen) are constantly finding themselves in awkward and embarrassing situations. Annoyingly short episodes, but Finnish comedy somewhere close to its finest.

Rise to ride in blood

I didn't remember Michael Fassbender was in it, didn't remember fuck all except that it's seriously bloody and I enjoyed it. Not particularly easy to watch, but such powerful unforgiving brutality that you can't shrug off easily.

Since the dawn of man

Such a terrific thriller. The 1988 Dutch original Spoorloos, also by George Sluizer, was even more harrowing and horrifying than this, but the Hollywood 1993 remake The Vanishing is a masterpiece as well. Jeff Bridges, in one of his rare bad guy roles, is absolutely a sinister villain, and Kiefer Sutherland, Nancy Travis and Sandra Bullock are all brilliant as well. Somewhat a simple story, but nail-biting suspense all the same.

Kinetic nightmare in disguise

Mother and father have some kind of powers, but no such powerful superpowers as their wee little girl Charlie who can breathe fire! She can get any shit ablaze! No wonder a mysterious evil organization is after her to utilize her gift - or curse - to themselves. A pointless remake, an insult to the original and Stephen King's novel. 

In heartbeats and tears

Nordic noir has taken the world by storm. It's everywhere. Swedish, Norwegian, Finnish, Danish and Icelandic Scandinavian genre of crime fiction. Thanks to the authors (e.g. Jo Nesbø, Henning Mankell, Stieg Larsson, Camilla Läckerg, Jens Lapidus), movies (e.g. The Pusher,  Kraftidioten, A Second Change) and TV-series (e.g. The Killing, The Bridge, Sorjonen, Lilyhammer, Bordertown). Tunna blå linjen (Thin Blue Line), by Cilla Jackert, a series that follows the private and professional struggles of police officers working in the multicultural southern Swedish city of Malmö is the coolest motherfucker out there.

Beneath a vast, indifferent sun

George Clooney and Julia Roberts are great actors and they should be making more movies. So, it's surprising they've wasted time and stuck their talent into this kind of garbage. Or maybe seniles just don't feel the cringe of embarrassment. In Ticket to Paradise they are David and Georgia, divorcees and parents to Kimberley (Arielle Carver-O'Neill) who is getting married in Bali. A predictable, dull and easily skippable romantic comedy.

The theory's perfectly feasible

The superstars of the time - Gregory Peck, Anthony Guinn, David Diven, Anthony Quayle, Irene Papas, Stanley Baker and James Darren - in an epic war movie (directed by J. Lee Thompson). Allied saboteurs are assigned a mission to infiltrate an impregnable nazi-held Greek island and destroy the two enormous long-range field guns. Incredible and fierce war movies done recent times, but they aren't producing such affectionately crafted piece of art any longer.

The king of starless skies

Radio host's wife and daughter are kidnapped. And the heinous fucker has hidden them inside the host's radio station which is boobytrapped with riddles. It was revealed and the twist was obvious right from the start. And even the fucking twist or twists were plotholed. You just sat through stupidly the rest of the movie and maybe thought you'd want to see David Fincher's The Game (1997) instead. Mel Gibson is out of his comfort zone and the rest of the cast is pure rubbish.

Born dead inside

Former mean motherfucker for a cowboy Colter Briggs quiets down for 20 years. Marries, raises a daughter. When his wife is murdered, Colter holds no barriers and his old mean self is back with a vengeance! I wish they had created and developed the other characters in the film as well as Nicolas Cage's gunslinger. A pretty good western nevertheless.

In a world of hurt

Antonio Banderas is Cuda, an ex-convict, a henchman and a debt collector for the mob. But he wants to start his life anew. When one of his few friends is kidnapped, Cuda turns against his former employers. It needs bullets. And it means violence. They churn out this kind of bullshit crime fiction endlessly.

The blade of freedom

A bit pathetic. A needlessly prolonged story of girls becoming invincible Amazons, African warriors. One particularly delicate yet stubborn little woman becomes this resourceful, intelligent and powerful princess who protects her king, her general and tribe to the end. Despite everything, a hollow effort to become a proper adventure or a war movie.

Disappointed in silence

A university student, and a keen runner, has his hobby for good use as the fucking nazis are after him! After the film ended, my first thought was that I probably had seen one of the greatest thrillers ever. The story is a somewhat a compelling jigsaw puzzle at first, but unfolds into a suspenseful, atmospheric and absorbing thriller. A great cast to boot.

Cloaked in their eternal greatness

Name three Matthew Broderick films. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) and Glory (1989). On a good day, Biloxi Blues (1988) is probably picked up. A group of young recruits go through boot camp in Biloxi, Mississippi, and it's fun and games and girls and all the army time clichés. It doesn't even have a potential for anything.

Descent in flames

A mess. It's like a badly produced music album. You can barely hear what the characters are saying because the nondescript music and background noise are too high on the mix. Not that it matters much though. Another one of Bruce Willis's hopeless retirement gigs as, sadly, his dementia is looming on the horizon. I hope we don't have to worry about Frank Grillo and Kevin Dillon next?